Leave self-betrayal in 2019!

On October 15th, I found myself scrolling through my Instagram feed and stumbled on a post that threw me into a hurricane of emotions that then led to me sitting here almost 2 months later writing about how I spent a good chunk of my adolescence betraying myself. The post was by the Instagram page The Holistic Psychologist, and it listed the signs of self-betrayal as well as a definition of what it was. In that brief description page, I stumbled on this quote that followed me straight to booking an appointment with a counselor. It said, “Anytime we reject our authentic selves in order to find love or approval we’re existing in self-betrayal”.

I remember feeling this deep feeling in my chest, almost like I was caught doing something that I had no crumb of business doing. That sentence frightened me so much so that I kept revisiting it every time that I agreed to plans I didn’t want to go to. Every time I admitted to being wrong in arguments that I knew I was right in. Every time I went out of my way to do nice things for friends, not because I felt like it, but because I didn’t want them to think that I wasn’t useful enough. Every time I kept quiet when I still had so much to say. Every time I made time for every human being, dog, cat, and mouse in the world but somehow forgot about myself. Every time I compromised my feelings to validate other people. Every time I stood face to face with myself and chose everything and anything else instead of me time after time. I guess I was afraid of the fact that the person who has let me down most in the world was myself.

Looking back now my earliest memory of self-betrayal was back when I was around 9 or 10 years old. I had gone to the movies with my cousin and she wanted me to spend the night at her house, so logically I gave the phone to my cousin to ask my mom because obviously, my mother would never say yes if I asked. My mother said no, and when my cousin handed me the phone she yelled at me. African mothers have this incredible talent at knowing exactly what to say to make you feel less than human, she hurt my feelings that day. I remember telling a family friend who came to pick me up that night that I was angry at the way my mother spoke to me, I told him that I felt incredibly hurt and that I deserved an apology from her. Of course, he told my mother, I’m talking direct quotes and everything. My mother came home and asked me if I was angry with her. I remember that moment so vividly, she was standing upstairs looking down at me. My mother is a good 5 feet tall on a good day but in that moment she looked 20 feet tall. I remember feeling very small. I didn’t stand up for myself that day and I spent the next 10 years paying for that.

So when the time comes for me to defend myself and my feelings, I am faced with that same scenario and every time I turn my back on that 10-year-old girl. Every time I chose to put my feelings aside in the name of peace, I let that little girl down. It was in this realization that I decided to make a new year’s resolution, and I make it publicly because I want to be held to it. In 2020 I am going to be selfish. I’m going to choose me in every and each way possible, I will look at my 10-year-old self and stand up for us. Most importantly I choose to forgive myself. And for anyone dealing with self-betrayal, I encourage you to forgive yourself as well and we can take the next steps towards our journey to self-healing and love together. I am not where I need to be if we are being honest, sometimes more often than not I still betray myself but I’m learning to forgive and keep on loving myself through those mistakes. Knowing is the first step on this long journey, remember to be kind to yourself. The most important relationship we have in our lives is with ourselves, so cultivate that relationship, and when it flourishes so will your relationships with everyone else. We have a lot of unlearning to do, and I hope we can take that journey together through this new year. 

I would have never realized all of this without the help of my counselor, so I hope that this inspires you to reach out to a friend, family member, and preferably a professional. I’ve attached some resources below as well. Merry Christmas and I wish you a great new year!