Today I want to tackle the topic of fear. Lately, I’ve found myself having to confront a part of myself that I had let go unchecked for way too long. My fear of failure. We all have something we’re afraid of whether we’re aware of it or not, from spiders to public speaking, fears come in all shapes and sizes with different levels of intensity. I didn’t know how powerful my fear had gotten until I found myself face to face with my own reflection and I couldn’t quite recognize the person I had become.
I have always been a passionate person and so growing up people told me that I was going to do incredible things with my life. From my mother, siblings, friends, teachers, and even strangers everyone had the highest hopes for me. I guess looking back my self-esteem mostly came from the outside, I never got the chance to believe in myself since everyone else already did. I had little to no self-confidence and had everyone in my life looking at me like I was going to win the Nobel peace prize. I was the perfect prey. Looking back now I believe that this is when my fear of failure took root and settled into my life, rent-free. I became so afraid of failing and disappointing all those people that I lived my life in constant anxiety. I stopped trying new things that I wasn’t guaranteed to succeed at. I took classes that were in my comfort zone, I didn’t try sports, but that could also be because I lack any athletic ability besides the occasional night of dancing here and there. I became so consumed by this fear that I couldn’t see where it ended and where I started. I had become it.
The thing about fear is that it’s parasitic, it feeds on us and grows and the more we give into it the larger it grows and sooner or later it will start to mutate. It didn’t take long for my fear to outgrow me. Suddenly it wasn’t just new experiences I feared, the parasite started to consume everything from friendships to my college major. The classes that I used to look forward to began to feel like a burden. I became so obsessed with excelling that when I got anything less than an A it would ruin my entire week. I turned down internships in fear that they would realize just how much of a fraud I had become. Minor arguments with friends started to feel like an attack on my already flawed character, slowly I started to be so focused on being perfect that I took a back seat in my own life.
We all make mistakes in life, that's what creates growth. With failure comes learning and movement and by cutting failure out of my life I essentially paused it. I wasn’t learning anything new, I had no more hobbies, my friendships had become shallow, and most importantly I couldn’t write anymore. To me, writing is an extension of myself. Sometimes when I write I realize things about myself that I wouldn’t have had I kept my thoughts in my head. I’m most in touch with my subconscious self when I find myself lost in the written word, whether it be in a notebook, my phone, or computer. Writing is my therapy, and like all forms of therapy, they only work if you are being honest. So it didn’t come as a surprise when I found myself facing a blank screen time and time again. My fear had eaten up so much of me that I didn’t even know what the true me was. How could I be honest if I didn’t even know who I was anymore? It was then that I realized that while I was running away from the possibility of failing others I had essentially failed myself, that’s what hurt the most. Without meaning to, I had become the bad guy in my own story.
Realizing all of this was the first step on my 5-month journey to overcoming my fear. I sought out counseling once a week. I started doing things I was terrified of, like taking the statistics class I had put off for 3 years. I went indoor skydiving. I started showing up for my friends more regardless of what the voices in my head said. Some days I would take 10 steps forward and other days I would take 10 back, but I kept trying because without realizing it I became the person I was most afraid of failing. It wasn’t until this week that I was able to face that blank screen and reconnect with the written word, and I have never felt more whole.
I chose to write on fear not just because it was something I am currently battling, but because I know there is someone out there looking at themselves in the mirror and not recognizing themselves. I know that sometimes knowing that you’re not alone is enough to help, so whether we share the same fear or not, I hope that this post helps you in some way. I also wanted to emphasize that I could not have come this far without counseling and an airtight support system. Whatever way fear chooses to manifest in your life, whether it be in the form of spiders, snakes, commitment, clowns, or failure I hope that you can overcome it as well. Lean on your loved ones and seek professional help if you need it. I know it’s not as easy as it sounds but I hope you take the first step regardless, and sometimes that first step is being honest. I have attached resources below as always and I hope we can keep going on this journey together.
Resources: Rwanda
CHUK
INDERA
POLFAM
Resources: United States
Suicide prevention hotline 1-800-273-8255
Text TALK to 741-741 to text with a trained crisis counselor from the Crisis Text Line for free